Thursday, January 27, 2011

Childhood Conditioning and "The Snake"

Last night I crawled into bed, fluffed my pillows and then looked at the stacks of books on my nightstand.  "Hmm.....which one to choose.... I just need a little something to read to "center myself" before a much needed slumber."  I chose a random book and turned to a random page - and this is exactly what I read:

There's a great story about recovering from attraction to dangerous men.  It goes like this:  

     When you're really ill, you don't even know a snake when you see one. 

     Once recovery begins, you see a snake and you know it's a snake, but you still play with it.  

     Once you've landed in true recovery zone, you see a snake, you know it's a snake, and you cross to the other side of the road.

I took the above random book, random page as a sign from my inner divinity to write on the topic of my experience with "snakes"
Before I came to this place in my journey where I now automatically "cross to the other side of the road", those I held most dear tried desperately to warn me.  However, I wouldn't listen.  People would tell me the fire I was playing with was going to burn, it was going to hurt and scar me.  I would refuse to listen because I thought he would be different since he was with me and I was the one who would be able to "save" him from himself.  After all, even though he would have crazy outburst, was extremely jealous and would often play terrible mind games.....on the other hand he shared secrets, appeared very vulnerable and was very protective of me. However, not soon enough I did realize he was in fact, a master snake.  Even more ingenious at being a snake than all the other snakes I had encountered in my lifetime. (And just for the sake of one of my readers being from my past, not all of my relationships were with snakes.  At the time, I didn't even know what a snake was)

Was it me?  Was I the fool?

Was I simply obtuse and foolish?  Was I delusional to think I could make such a positive impression in someone's life whereas they would immediately transform all their evil into something of beauty?  Was it me?  Did I not deserve to be in a relationship whereas each person treated each other with respect, dignity and love?

I do understand there is no forcing the process by which we simply stop being attracted to pain.  It took a significant amount of research, work, courage and going deeper within myself than I had ever experienced. Today, I am surrounded on a daily basis by many who are indeed on this exact same path I took those few years ago.  I am truly liberated and agree there are not many excuses not to change with all of the information and resources available to us today to join in the work that will ultimately give everyone this incredible liberating freedom.

To answer my own questions:  No, I was not simply foolish or delusional and Yes, I deserve respect, dignity and love in all of my relationships.  Back when I was playing with "master snake", I was working perfectly.  I was functioning the way my subconscious had been programmed to function.  How is a subconscious programmed?  Let's take these two scenarios for example -

First Example:
On a typical day in the life of this child she comes home from school and is greeted by her father:  "Well hello my favorite girl!  How was school today?  Sit down and tell me about it!"

Second Example:
On a typical day in the life of this child she comes home from school and is greeted by her father:  "Listen fat ass, don't slam that door again or I will slam you!  Now get me something to drink!"

If your childhood was filled with kisses, nurturing, embraces, affection, protection and you were praised and encouraged - you will expect the same as an adult.

However, if love was taught through yelling, throwing things, trauma, silence, drama, dismissal and unattainable expectations, THIS will be your inner emotional connection as “love”. 

If as a child, you looked for love yet all you found was pain (snake), what will you find when you are an adult and you look for love?  Yes, more pain (more snakes).

In the event that today a snake is ringing my front doorbell - and even if he is holding a Publisher's Clearing House check with my name on it, I will not be answering the door -  for I am one to be pleased to announce a few years ago I landed in the true recovery zone.

© Copyright 2011-Lisa Hardwick-All Rights Reserved.


  1. I really like this, Lisa. I had one "snake" relationship, and I was still a young girl in high school. It took me many years to discover that I was punishing myself by allowing him to treat me in such a low fashion. But, I let him do it. I had to learn the hard way, unfortunately.